May 8, 2009
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Way cleared for Texberta
to take its place as our world’s newest nation!
Mass evacuations congest highways as
non-believers get the message
to pack and “get out of town”! |
October 2, 2020 - AP (Atheist Press)
The final issue that was holding up separation of Texas from the United States, and Alberta from Canada, has been resolved. Texberta, an alliance of Alberta and Texas will officially become our world's newst nation on January 1 st .
Both Texas and Alberta were helped by the existence of legislation in their respective countries that allowed them to separate. Texas was the only US American state with such a provision when it joined the rest of the states in 1866. It had been admited earlier into the union in 1845 but withdrew during the Civil War hostilities.
Texas and Alberta will now be granted freedom from their respective countries on condition that the former host countries retain unencumbered access to all oil reserves. A fixed levy per barrel has been negotiated at 10% of the OPEC average price in a six month period.
Texberta negotiators wanted the charge based on the cost-of-living index of their new nation but that, US America insisted, would not “fly” given the instability that Texberta would likely experience in the coming decades. “We need a stable supply of oil at a consistent price,” said Arnold Brown of the US Energy Department.
If Texberta happens to require any oil for its own use, it would adjust the annual charges to the Canada and US America. Texberta has agreed that it will not get into the “oil business”. Oil well and refinery employees will be housed in special constructed walled villages. “We will not require our workers to stay in Texberta for extended periods. Workers will be rotated every two weeks,” said an oil company spokesman.
Oil companies will not employ Texbertans. Attacks on oil search, pumping, transportation or processing facilities will constitute an act of war. While Texberta's Christian leaders guarantee that there will be no hostilities, Canada and US America have their doubts that all religious extremists will be controllable.
US military could be stumbling block
“They could be just like the Taliban we encountered in this centuries first decade!” said one military observor. “Unfortunately, so many Christian extremists are also in the military it will take us years to ferret them out!” top
Spokesman downplays Texberta’s oil dependancy
“We don't expect that we will be consuming any oil,” said the Reverend Daniel J. Wilson. “We will be following the edict of the 2015 Christian Synod in Houston where it was decided that all things proven to be more than 50,000 years old are products of the devil and are to be rejected.”
This has created a few problems for Fundamental and Extremist Christians, including most of the Born Again sects, all over the world. top
Many wives wanted to revolt
For example, there was almost a revolt in the ranks as women were forced to shed most of their jewellery, especially their diamond wedding rings. It is believed that many of them secretly hid their valuables or transferred them for safekeeping to non-committed relatives and trusted associates in their former countries.
One Christian spokesman who claimed anonymity confessed, “Most of us did not really comprehend how our religious beliefs could impact our lives. We were so busy attacking the gays, the atheists and the other religions that we failed to realize what side of our bread was buttered.” top
Church attendance jeopordized
Another feared that when transportation depended on wind generated electricity there could be a serious reduction in church attendance. “Our younger members should be able to adapt but many of the older members don't like the idea of giving up their gas-powered automobiles. They have been slow to accept the slower – and smaller – electric automobiles.” top
Separation may not be as rosy as we thought
”I expect that when we really get into it, we will discover that being a true Christian will be more difficult than we bargained on!”
Meanwhile, Texberta church authorities are taking steps that would eliminate need to attend church services. “We will be implementing three more 24-hour Christian TV channels. There will be no need for believers to step outside their home.” Some church planners believe they will experience a drastic drop in financial contributions but technological advances promise to solve this problem. top
US America and Canada to block airwaves
US American and Canadian broadcast authorities are exploring technical methods to block Texberta signals from reaching people in the world outside of Texberta. Raids have uncovered several clandestine broadcast facilities in New York, New Orleans and Los Angeles. Meanwhile, Texberta has already advised that it will block any broadcast media or Internet transmissions attempting to cross the border from the outside. top
Education standards were final straw
The “dust up” started when other states and provinces rejected their Christian education standards, especially when Alberta and Texas attempted to impose on Canada and US America, legislation similar to what had been successfully passed in their respective jurisdictions back in 2009.
”It reached the point where an idiot could get a doctorate just by claiming that their test answers supported religious beliefs,” said Noam Chomsky, chairman of US America's negotiation committee. top
We won’t be legitimizing their stupidity: Chomsky
“We had Texans attempting to get into our Universities and Colleges who wouldn't even graduate from our primary schools. We weren't going to legitimize their ignorance with our degrees. The final straw came when they claimed that religious discrimination was barring their attendance at our Universities and Colleges. “The only discrimination left in America is against ignorance and, unlike other targets of prejudice, there is a solution for this one. All they have to do is get educated -- properly.” top
Alberta eduction budgets shattered
In Alberta's classrooms it was illegal to discuss a topic that contravened any religious belief unless the believers were first allowed to leave the classroom. When it got to the point where the “religious objectors” outnumbered the rest of the class, teachers and the remaining students would leave the classroom instead. The need for class monitors and additional facilities to accommodate this class splitting became so expensive that education costs skyrocketed. The legislation is also blamed for creating a bogus excuse for not doing homework assignments as students said the homework topics demeaned their religious beliefs. top
Convoys headed for Texas and Alberta
In anticipation of a new statehood, fundamentalist and evangelist Christians have created convoys as a steady flow of emigrant's head for Texberta. They originally had fears that they would suffer religious persecution as they travelled to their promised lands. None occurred. The only discordant note may have been some of the road-side demonstrations bearing signs that said, “Glad you are leaving” and “If you need help on your trip, pray for it!” Some of our older citizens were reminded of scenes from reports when India separated on religious grounds back in the August 1947.
“Their leaders don't want to admit it but I think more families are leaving Texas and Alberta than those who are emigrating to Texberta,” said one member of the Oklahoma State patrol. RCMP officials continued with their standard tight-lipped non-response to Canadian media inquiries.
Atheists and non-believers have been evacuating Texberta for more than a decade. Other Christian groups have mixed reactions as they wrestle with the financial implications of abandoning their homes and businesses in order to re-establish in the remaining states or provinces. top
Texbertans won’t be welcome tourists
“I don't think Texbertans realize that they won't be welcome in US America or Canada,” said Paul Anderson, Director of Immigration Services for US America. “It is unlikely that their citizens will get into many other countries. Also, we won't be allowing their missionaries, or such, to travel freely in our country. They can preach all they want in Texberta but their message won't be heard on this side of the new border!” top
Next Week: I will cover more of the Texberta story, but in the meantime, I can assure you I feel fortunate that I learned to live . . . without gods!
Anton Kozlik
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