“I travelled so far only to find that Hell was closed for business!” 

    She had come to the conclusion that there really wasn't a Heaven but was not sure about Hell. Her elimination of Heaven as a future destination was more or less confirmed over her lifetime as every time she tried to make contact, her calls were never answered.
     Reluctantly, she came to the conclusion that there was no one there. However, when she called Hell, someone answered her call. At first she had trouble with her accent but they persisted and she convinced her to "come on down" and take a look around.
    While few had ever claimed that she was a candidate for Heaven, there were many who said she was going to Hell and they appeared to know what they were talking about. After all, these were important people. There were Popes, Prime Ministers and even some recent Presidents of the United States who said she would end up in Hell and shouldn't be allowed to be a US citizen.
     She decided that if Hell was going to be where she was would eventually end up, she could get a preview of her future. So she decided a visit to Hell was in order.
     Wisely, she decided to take her trip in winter. If Hell was as hot as people said, it would be a nice change to be toasted and roasted after shovelling snow and battling winter's bone-chilling winds. She wanted to be warm.
    Well, not as warm as they said Hell was, but at least comfortable. She didn't think she could survive Hell if she were to go there directly from the unbearable summer heat of her hometown.
  Since she had been informed that there were no hotels or motels in Hell she decided to first visit a place close by. It turned into a welcome holiday as she partook of the local cuisine, swam in the exceptionally warm currents that appeared to be everywhere, and enjoyed the unusual friendliness of the locals who had journeyed there from every corner of the earth.
    Finally, the day arrived when she would make the trip to Hell. The journey did not take long so she didn't even have time to prepare herself for her confrontation with the Devil. Before she knew it, she was there.
    And then she noticed the sign.
    Hell was closed for business!
    “I guess its much like heaven,” she thought. “There's either no more room because Hell is all full up, or maybe Anton was right.”
    He claimed that heaven and hell were what we made of our life here on earth.
    She kneeled.
    She wasn't kneeling in prayer.
    She wanted to smell a beckoning flower.
    It smelled great.

P.S. In old versions of the Bible, the word “Hell” does not appear. The idea of a "Hell" was conceived centuries later. Reference to “hades” does not count because it was the word for garbage dump in ancient Hebrew -- a place where they burned the garbage and low-lifes who could not afford to be buried in a proper burial cave.

If you want to know how Hell got its name, try visiting this site.

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This posting was inspired by an e-mail I received from a member of our audience who visited Grand Cayman this winter. I, too, have been to Hell and enjoyed responding to my would-be religious converters that I had already been to Hell.
     For our friend who sent me the e-mail, it appears the Post Office was closed the day she visited. Hence the much better saying, “I went to hell but it was closed!”
     As I suggest, we all can learn to live . . . without gods!
                                        -- Anton Kozlik