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Cancer cure not available
in Texberta!
Dr. Stan Spooner, an atheist, discovers cure
but puts restrictions on its use!
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November 18, 2038 - AP (Atheist Press)
From every corner of our globe congratulations and messages of thanks flooded in to Dr. Stan Spooner. He has discovered our world's first cancer cure, Milesia™ .
In an unprecedented move, Nobel Prize governors voted unanimously to award him US$50 million for his discovery.
Dr. Spooner has turned down offers that exceed US$10 billion for his formula as international drug conglomerates entered into what they believed would be bidding war for “our world's most significant drug discovery in history”. They found out quickly that he was not selling.
For more than 100 million of our world's 500 million cancer patients, joy was short lived as Dr. Spooner also unveiled how his drug was going to be manufactured, distributed and applied. It will be more difficult for them to access Milesia™ because they were members of various extremist organizations who were using their religion to suppress his efforts.
An atheist all of his life, and who had suffered ridicule, rebuke and horrible atrocities, Dr. Spooner plans to manufacture and distribute his cure under a strict set of guidelines.
Extremists responsible for 50,000,000
lives
He answers his critic's claim that he is “getting even” for those years of abuse with, “Their actions took me at least another ten years to accomplish my discovery. Why should my tormentors benefit from Milesia™ when they have, in effect, denied my cure to cancer patients for at least ten years? More than 50 million have died at their hands and I want our world to know why!”
When reminded that many of those excluded by his mandates are innocent children and others who had nothing to do with his harassment, Dr. Spooner said, “I know that children are innocent – but if nothing is done, they will perpetuate seriously flawed beliefs of their parents, some of which may now see a reason to abandon their cult-like existence and embrace some common sense. I hope so! ”
He continued, “And as far as those who did not participate in the terrible attacks on me, my family and my colleagues, I have a question for them? Where were they when it was happening? I didn't see any of them fight to protect us!”
“I do not trust that any of the existing drug companies will conform to my wishes so I have decided to use the Nobel prize money to create my own drug company, Milesian Cancer Cure Inc. It will be a non-profit corporation and it will operate throughout the world,” said the doctor-turned-CEO of what would undoubtedly be our world's most powerful corporation.
“MCCI has no plan to dominate our corporate world,” said Dr. Spooner. We have a comprehensive set of rules and it will take an international corporation such as ours to implement them.”
Who will get Milesia™ and How
Milesia™ will be available, with some restrictions, to all citizens of our world within three months. Most will only have to wait a month. All they need to do is phone MCCI's universal 800 number, 1-800-MIL-ESIA and they will send them necessary amount by first class mail within seven days.
“The actual cost to manufacture Milesia™ works out to about US$5 per patient. We will charge US$10 in most developed countries of our world. Our price will go down to as little as US$1 and we plan giving it away for free to patients in third-world countries. We have already received more than US$5 million in donations and we expect more.”
“Other drugs cost more because when existing drug companies develop a marketable one, they have to burden it with paying for their failures. And, when you add corporate overhead and shareholder profit, you end up with our consumer paying up to 1,000 times a drug's actual cost.”
“In this case, Milesia™ was developed by a dedicated small team that did not do if for money, fame or glory. We just wanted to find a cure for cancer. A leading drug company or university never would have hired several of my assistants.”
Dr. Spooner himself was a medical community reject because of his history as a militant atheist. “We didn't want anything to do with the kind of publicity that seemed to follow Dr. Spooner,” said one university president who grudgingly added, “I think we let our politics and our religion adversely influence our decisions.”
Since Milesia™ can be safely self-administered, has no side effects and cannot be over-dosed, it will be sold directly to cancer patients. Pharmacies and drug stores will be permitted to distribute it but are not permitted to profit from it. “They can use it as a loss leader like when they offer Pepsi or Coke at an outrageous discount in order to build traffic,” said Wyandotte. “If we find that anybody is profiteering from Milesia™ we will cut them off!”
He expects that many unscrupulous doctors and pharmacies will attempt to “sell” extra services, especially to our indigent or uneducated.
“We have also dealt with the US American restriction of trading with certain nations by establishing manufacturing facilities in practically every country of the world. And, because we are not profit-motivated, we are not concerned if anybody gets our formula. One of the ingredients will take them at least two years to isolate, test and create. Also, why would anyone want to, unless, of course they plan to service the religious extremists?”
“I don't think the religious extremists will wait two or more years for a cure. Some of them won't be so extreme when they are facing death. Of course, many of them believe they are going to heaven and that it is a better place than life here on earth.”
“Our only fear is that there are cancer patients out there who will continue to listen to their former health-care providers or their spiritual leaders who will try to convince them that they have to take additional medications – or pay and pray at their local church.”
“Cancer has made a lot of money for them and the Milesia™ success as a cure for cancer has them scurrying to make up what will be a significant short-fall on their bottom lines! We see a wholesale closure of the thousands of clinics that have profited from cancer.”
Some criticize Dr. Spooner's edict that Milesia™ will not be shipped to Texberta, countries that condone atheist persecution, and pharmacies servicing known communities for religious extremists. “I know their followers will get Milesia™ eventually, but I believe making it as difficult as possible will make them accept a cost for their ignorant and hatefull actions.”
“As a group, religious extremists have been just as damaging to our human condition as cancer,” said Dr. Spooner. “I thought we should eliminate all of our world's cancers. Unfortunately, my cure will only help those who are physically afflicted with a real cancer.”
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Remember, this posting is a SATIRE written by a cancer survivor who learned to live . . . without gods!
Anton Kozlik
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